New Year's Resolutions.

It's that time of year again. The time of year when everyone asks that dreaded question: What's your New Year's resolution? Most people have the same three answers: Get in shape, quit smoking, save more money. These are all good things and we should all aspire to do them. I make the same one every year, myself. In fact I make all three of those resolutions every year. But this year I'm doing something different. Probably something harder. This year I'm making a resolution to be more faithful. Not to God, or to church, or anything like that. Though I'm sure those things will follow. But my primary goal is to be more faithful to myself, to the person God intended me to be. I went through a serious bought of depression when we first moved here, and I realized that it happened because I lost myself. I let society turn me into something I was never meant to be. I was keeping silent about things that I thought were important far too often. I had no outlet. I engaged in the hobbies I thought people wanted me to engage in. I did the things people expected me to. Let me tell you right now, this ain't how I roll. I typically do as I please. A lot of this has stopped because I am now an adult and as such have responsibilities, but somewhere I let the lines blur and stopped being me. I had no personality. I was a depressed bitchy blob. But not this year. I'm better now, and I intend to stay that way.

Putting the pieces together.

We're all held together by something. Most of us by friends, family. We're all scarred. Every person in this world has lived through something bad. Even if it wasn't something personal and awful, you've lived through something. Like 9/11. Or April 27th, 2010. Moments that hit you and make you think. Most of us live through moments were we feel shattered, but we pick up the pieces and move on. But then some of us, well some of us stand in a hospital waiting room and hear words like, "Has he always had asthma? I'm sorry, this time he just couldn't handle the attack." Some of us hear those words, and then a huge piece is chunked away. And it's just gone. We do a lot of things to try to replace it. Some of us succeed. But then some of us suffer the cruel hands of fate. Some of us have to stand in another hospital waiting room, praying for strength to deal with the news we know is coming. We know the news is not what we want to hear, but we are able to be logical and rational enough to expect it. We know to ask God to hold us up through it, instead of asking for an outcome that was long ago deemed impossible. However, when those words come, delivered with compassion, as gently as possible, we feel our whole body fall apart. The world stops moving. It may even fall out of orbit, we wouldn't notice. It could fly into the face of the sun, it wouldn't matter. God did not hear our prayers. He did not give us the strength to deal with us, because we can't. We are only capable of going through the motions. Our miracle did not come, a person we loved is now dead and buried. But then thins start to change. We start realizing that the people that are still standing beside what used to be us are slowly starting to form a glue. We don't know why, but we know it's happening. We know everyone we meet sees the holes. We know they are ugly, and no one new will ever love us again. But we meet someone new. She's different. We are sure she sees the holes in us, because they are very large and impossible to miss. But she likes us anyways, and she is our friend. One of our holes begins to shrink. She has become a piece of us, held in place by the glue our families have left behind. Then someone else comes along. And he feels the biggest hole yet. We realize now that we are almost whole again, that we're not as ugly as we were. We still have some small holes, but who doesn't? We have rough patches. We have patches of new, tender flesh that can easily be ripped open. We have scars. But we're whole now. We're a person.


And there's no "I" in this because there would be no "I" or "me" without you. My beautiful, wonderful, incredible parents, who rushed to be my side when I needed them most. The extraordinary Lindsey, who was always there to pick me up off of the floor, no matter what had put me there. The incredibly amazing Stephanie, who saw me for what I am now, not what I was then, a person, not a broken, sad mess. The most beautiful man on the planet, the one God made for me to fill the biggest empty spot. My missing puzzle piece. The place in my heart that was left open just for him, where only Ryan will fit. My family, the glue, made it possible for my friends, the pieces, to stick and make me whole again. I realized some time ago that my prayer had been answered. It took some time, granted. But it did come true. This December 27th will mark 6 years since that fateful day in Mellow Mushroom. If I could go back and change it in some way, would I? I admit I'm tempted. If I thought it would save their lives, maybe. I'll never have that chance, so it doesn't matter if I'd take it. Even if I had to live it through again, start to finish, I know now it will be okay. That everything will work out in the end. How's that old saying go? "It'll all be okay in the end. If it isn't okay, it isn't the end."
Merry Christmas, guys. I'll never be able to properly thank you. Never. But I promise to spend every day of my life trying.

Finals week.

Well friends, here we are! Finals week. So far, so good. Of course we're only one day in, so who knows from here? Also, two weeks from Sunday is Christmas. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that. This year has been such a whirlwind. It doesn't feel like Christmas. Thanksgiving didn't feel like Thanksgiving, either. I wonder if this is because I didn't go to anyone else's house. I had a great time here with my friends and family that were able to come, it just felt weird. Maybe it felt weird because I was happy and I so long ago forgot that feeling. I find myself GIGGLING now a days. And I used to love to sing. If I heard a song I liked, or even just knew the words to, I would sing it. But somewhere I had stopped doing that, too. I caught myself singing and dancing in the car the other day. It almost scares me. Like I don't deserve happy. However...I feel like I might be okay. That's so weird to me. I just want you to understand that I know what all the fighting was for and I just want you to understand that I'm not angry anymore...
This is a good place. I think I'll enjoy living here.

Hungry for more ~*SPOILERS*~

First of all, let me start by saying that if you have not read the Hunger Games: do it. Now. Second, this post will contain some spoilers so you may not want to continue reading. A friend told me about it ages ago. I thought about reading it and never got around to it. A few weeks ago, another friend suggested I read it. Again, I was intrigued by the idea but just didn't have time to read it. Then I saw the trailer. I was captivated. So I borrowed the book from a friend and began reading. Captivated barely begins to cover it. I immediately fell in love with the main character, the narrator, Katniss Everdeen. She was very much a child who had been brutally forced into an adult world. The death of her father was merely the beginning of Katniss' early adulthood. When the always cheerful Effie Trinket pulls out Primrose Everdeen's name from the reaping ball, there is only one choice for Katniss. This is merely the start of a beautiful, heart felt, heart breaking, and eerily realistic story. THIS IS WHERE THE SPOILERS START.




Okay, so everyone cries when Katniss takes her sister's place in the games. Everyone cries when Rue dies. Everyone's heart stops for a moment when she pulls out those berries. The book is riddled with moments like this. But on page 347 of Mockingjay, I became so stunned, so floored, I couldn't even turn the page. My heart stopped. And we all thought it. Everyone who had come to that point. Don't deny it. You read it, and your first thought was "Katniss failed." Because let's be honest with ourselves. She never set out to start a revolution. She never set out to fall in love with a boy, or to save his life. She stepped up, she spoke those fateful words, for one reason and one reason only. To save Prim. To keep her sister safe. To hide her for a little while longer from the evil grasp of the Capitol. And she failed, because Prim was turned into a human torch right in front of Katniss's own eyes. Everything she had set out to do had failed. This is where we all wondered: Was it worth it? Was the revolution worth it? The cost was oh so very high. But did the end make up for it in some way? I'm very curious to know your thoughts about this. And I wanna read the book. The book Katniss, Peeta, and Haymitch wrote. It would be wonderful it could be published for the general public to read.

Internship.

I got into the internship program! WOOHOO! I am SO hoping to get something here in town that will turn into a  full time job. My biggest goal would be a full time work from home job. How awesome would that be?? Unfortunately I can only do an internship over the Fall, which means I will need to attend classes for a semester longer than I had hoped. Right now my plan is to take as much as I can during the summer and see if I can finish an associate's over the Fall. If I can't, and end up with one or two classes left to take, no big deal, right? No sweat. I got this. Because I am awesome. Monday can't even hold me back. Psh. I rock Monday's socks off. Monday is scared of me. On another note, it is 16 days until my Stephie gets here, and then 17 days until my mommy gets here!!!! And just over a mere month until I get to see my Gus (or Lu Darts) again!!! I miss them all so badly. I haven't seen Stephie or Gus since JULY. That is far too long to go between visits. Far too long.

New font.

I had to make a new font because my husband was complaining, and I'm pretty sure he's the only one who actually reads this on a regular basis. :)

This is Halloween!

Happy Halloween, everyone! Enjoy this day steeped in mystery, tradition, and most importantly CANDY!!! I challenge you to look up the origins of your favorite Halloween tradition. You might be pleasantly surprised, or extremely creeped out! Halloween traditions range from the ever so practical to the flat out odd. I also enjoy seeing little babies in their costumes. SO CUTE. And I don't care what other people say, I think mommy-daddy-baby costumes are the CUTEST. Right now I am watching some SG-1, just for fun, but I think I will end my day with some hot cocoa, chicken casserole, and some Halloween movies! I'm open to suggestions. What are YOUR favorites?

ALkjsflakjdaslkjd;dlfkj!

Yeah that's what I said. That's about how I feel right now. Crazy and disorganized. I feel like November is about to get SUPER busy and I do not know if I can handle it. But we are starting the month out right, with a trip to the Great Lakes Brewery to celebrate Ryan and Dusten's birthdays. I am SUPER excited about that, not because I enjoy going to Brewery's, but because I haven't been out with adults our age for a night of fun in a LONG time. And I like Dusten and Ally, they're so much fun! We are hosting Thanksgiving dinner, and I am terrified that something will go wrong. I don't have a full menu yet. I am having 4-6 spend the night guests and no idea where everyone will sleep. Stress is NOT good for my body right now. Oh, did I forget to mention the 7 page paper I have due at the end of November? Yeah. I guess I had better work on that. This brings me to the biggest concern for November: Court. I want so badly to go and be there for her, to cheer and rejoice and thank God when it goes right and everything is back to normal. I want to be there on the off chance that it goes bad so I can help her off the ground and hold her hand until she finds the strength to get up and fight again. Unfortunately, this is an impossibility. So I will stay here, and I will pray. I will pray for favor and I will pray thanks when it goes the way it SHOULD. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. It is time for this to end, and end well.

Fertile Weekend

So according to Fertility Friend, I will be fertile this weekend. Yay, right? Except that if I don't get pregnant, then I will worry that I'm not fertile at all. I can't help it. I know it sounds dumb, it takes most people anywhere from 4-12 months of TTC to get it right. And by all accounts this is my first normal cycle after starting the Metformin. So I guess we will see in about 20 days, which seems like an eternity to wait. I have a new respect for my friends who have struggled with infertility, and a realization that I don't understand half of what they went through, and are still going through. I hope my cycles stay even and I can conceive a healthy baby as soon as possible. Ryan will be 30 in a couple of days. I don't want to wait till he's too old to enjoy being a parent! Though I'm not sure he will enjoy it at all anyways. He's being so nonchalant about the whole process, and acting like I'm stupid for charting and worrying. Um, hello? Did you not hear about the disease that causes infertility that I have? Contrary to popular belief, getting pregnant isn't all that easy. I mean, if you're gettin it on without protection every day of the year, then yeah, sure, your chances of getting pregnant are higher. I'm frustrated. I guess I will be holding my breath for the next 20 days...

Have a laugh, on me!

Things that are irritating the snot out of me today.

The fact that this country seems to suffer from a delusion that a woman's body needs to be regulated and a corporation does not.

The fact that people call themselves Christians and then call for or rejoice in the death of anyone. "I will rejoice in the death of the sick, or old, for their suffering has ended and their reward will be great and long. But also I will mourn them for they have left a great void in the lives of the living."--Author unknown

The fact that there are people in this country who wish to get married and cannot. This does not apply only to homosexuals. It applies to anyone who wishes to marry, and for whatever reason, cannot.

People who use the word irregardless. 

People who tell you what you feel is irrelevant.

People who hate animals. 

People who assume that because you wear black nail polish (which I do, by the way...), dye your hair black, wear black, or listen to metal you worship the devil. In fact I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that less than .1% of the population are true Satanists. 

People think Halloween is a form of devil worship. Halloween is a form of pure, unadulterated childhood fun. Enjoy it.

People who don't appreciate my sense of humor.

Anyone who watches Jersey Shore.

And that's just what's irritated me so far today.

American Horror Story ~*If you want to watch the show and haven't, you may not want to read this*~

This show is freaking me the heck out. I had to stop watching it on Wednesday night and start watching it Thursday morning because it gave me nightmares. But I can't stop watching it. I wanna know how they all died. Because you know they are all dead. In fact in last night's episode we saw the neighbor shoot the maid, who just freaks me the heck out anyways. And what's up with burn guy?! Part of me wants to scream at them to move and get away from that place, but I really wanna know how this turns out. I love that house. Its beautiful. If you ever hear me ramble on about Craftsman style houses, this is a perfect example of one. According to the show history it was built in the 1920s, and from what I've seen that seems about right. I want to see more of the house. Not just more about the dead inhabitants. And while we're on that subject, are they ghosts, or zombies? We clearly just saw the body of the maid in the grave, but she isn't ethereal at all. So what is she? This is very much a show for people who are into the twisted, the freaky, and the flat out weird. You must posses imagination. You must keep an open mind. It isn't graphic, or gruesome, or gory really. Yes there is blood, but not a lot. Its more like a tragic history show than a horror show. I kinda like it.

I miss my sister...

And no I really don't want to talk to you about it. And yes I'm okay with it. Let's be clear about this. My sister is a bitch, a whore, and an all around horrible person. I'm thankful the drama level in my life is down about 98% since she's not in it anymore. I don't have to worry about her calling me in the middle of night from jail, or coming home crying because the latest week long love of her life left her. I feel like she's in a better place now, like she's capable of taking care of herself these days. That's a good thing. But I don't feel like either one of us is capable of a fulfilling relationship. I have a hard time explaining this to people. I miss her, I miss the sister I had, the one that picked me up and carried me around when my feet came down to her knees, the one that used to make my lunch just the way I liked it, and the one that taught me how to braid Barbie's hair. I do not miss the sister that falsely accused my mother, stole from me, lied to me repeatedly, ran off for months on end, and abandoned everything she loved for a man.  Those are things I am very content to live my life without, thanks so much. And don't even get me started on how much it ticks me off that she's been disrespectful to the woman who raised her like her own child, and never once treated her like she wasn't special. Even after all the crap she put her through, which, I'm here to tell you, was A LOT. But you know, my mother always went out of her way to make sure she was treated equally, and even though we celebrated our birthdays with one big party, she made sure we both had our own cakes, and our own presents, and our own friends, and so on. But was this appreciated? Nope. I guess all of this can be summed up in one smaller sentence. I miss the idea of a sister. I miss what a sister is supposed to mean. I understand you can't pick yours, you get what God gives you, but is it wrong for me to decide enough is enough? I don't think so. If she's okay with it, why shouldn't I be? I pray for her. I hope her life continues to improve. I do hope it does. Maybe the removal of me from it has been an improvement for her, I don't know, and I hope I never do. Maybe one day we'll reunite. We'll just have to see.

A sudden realization.

I had this odd thought in my head that if I was going to blog it had to be about something. Then the more I goofed off on StumbleUpon and the like, the more I thought: Say who? I mean, have you have read some of the crap out there? Yeah there's a lot of good information about a lot of good stuff (cooking, art projects, sewing, etc) but for the most part its people randomly babbling about whatever suits them at the moment. And this morning I made a point to a friend that brought me back here today. "The internet is the purest form of free speech there is;" I said. Oh so true. This doesn't need to be famous, or well read, or what the heck ever. It just needs to be some place I can write down whatever pops into my head whenever I feel like it. So fair warning to whomever may be reading this: you may be in for some insane babbling. Or some intelligent insight. Just whatever happens to be on my mind at the time...

Mmkay...

So there was no blog yesterday, and there will barely be one today.  Here's why: I didn't cook.  No one was here to cook for yesterday and today I was sick.  Though I have been crocheting a lot.  I can't show you what because they are Christmas gifts for people and we don't want to ruin the surprise!  I can show you this, though:

This is what's left of the yarn from everything I've crocheted over the past year. There is a WHOLE lot more to go after this.  I've been enjoying putting together one big thing from the things I've made for people I love.  I remember what every scrap of this yarn came from.  The gray in the center is from a failed project involving some heavily coveted fingerless gloves, the pink right beside it is from the blanket/scarf I made for my baby sister for Christmas last year, the white/blue/green is from a blanket I made for my cousin's son, Ayden.  The blue is also from my baby sister's blanket/scarf and the purple is from the hat/scarf combo I made for my BFF Steph for Christmas.  Not in the picture but on the square now are the pink and white I used to make myself a cell phone holder, and the blue/brown I used to make some baby hats, also for Ayden.  I can't wait to see the whole thing done!  I know it will probably look strange to most people, but it will be special to me!  Its like the crochet version of a patchwork quilt!

Day 2

Today has been a bit of a whirlwind.  I tried a new workout (ouch!!), made a really time consuming dinner (with wonderful help), and had lots of fun outside time.  So this morning I got up and had my healthy breakfast, then set out to plan tonight's shopping/dinner.  I decided we were going to have a bacon cheeseburger meatloaf, with some twice baked potatoes and once again, I made an attempt at doughnuts.  Oh, those doughnuts.  I'll make it happen, you just watch.  If you happen to have a good recipe and a good method, I'm all ears.  Anyways, I did 30 whole minutes of Pilates today (hence the above ouch) but man do I feel great!  Can't wait until Saturday to do that again, and I mean it!  My wonderful husband went to the store and assembled ingredients for dinner tonight, and tomorrow.  When he *finally* made it back, my sister in law and I started mixing up our doughnut dough.  After we finished making dinner up (it really was a group effort, we both did stuff for everything we ate tonight.), we pulled the dough out and tried to roll it and cut it.  Well, it was waaay too sticky.  It wouldn't roll, or cut.  So we had the genius idea to make doughnut holes.  Nearly disastrous.  Apparently, the oil was too hot.  And the dough was still too sticky.  Actually one or two turned out just fine.  But the dough got way too sticky.  So I put it back in the fridge to try again tomorrow.  Everything else turned out nicely.  As far as I could tell, everyone liked it!  All the recipes I use can be found on epicurious.com, by the way!  I changed a few things for my meatloaf, such as adding Heinz 57 instead of ketchup and nixing the relish and mayonnaise.  And right now I am trying to add photos of said dinner, but for some reason the uploader and or my iPhone has decided not to cooperate.  Ah, well.  Maybe tomorrow!  Come back tomorrow night to see if my chicken pizza turns out the way I'm hoping!

Day 1

Day 1 of my new "life".  After spending a decent amount of time looking for "healthy" recipes last night, I woke up early(ish) this morning with a game plan.  First, my currently unemployed husband was going to go for a walk with me. This took several hours to accomplish, but finally! We took a brisk walk around the block. Afterwards, I went to the store to assemble the ingredients for our healthy dinner.  On tonight's menu was: Spicy Orange Chicken Stir-Fry (which I've never even EATEN before. I don't really do Chinese food.), and Mini Minty Doughnuts.  After assembling all of the ingredients I was eager to try to make the "doughnuts" and see if they would be all fluffy and tasty.  Well, they weren't.  They ended up being flat little cookies with holes in them.  So back to the drawing board on that one.  My wonderful husband then helped me cook my first Chinese food adventure.  It was delicious!  I had forgotten to buy snap peas at the store, so we substituted fresh broccoli  instead. My family ate ever bit!  I myself am not a big fan of rice, but this rice was nice and tasty once it absorbed all of the sauce from the stir fry.  I might actually end up buying a wok so I can make this stuff on a regular basis!!
 Yummy!!!  So far my sister in law and I have decided to make dinner a joint effort tomorrow night.  Come back to see if day 2 is successful!!