A woman scorned.

She doesn't understand, I guess. I mean, if I were in her position, I guess I would get angry sometimes, too. But this is ridiculous. So what I cheated on her with Facebook? And yes, there were flings with StumbleUpon and a very long, meaningful, currently ongoing relationship with Netflix. But when I left strayed from this relationship and into the worlds of crochet and creativity, Netflix took me back with open arms. I always come back for her. Every day, and for around the same amount of time. I always come crawling back, and usually she takes me back with warm, open arms. But lately, lately that bitch has been downright hateful. Now, I understand she can't take me in while I have words, characters, stories, trying to bash my skull out from the inside. She can't exist in the same space as them. But even after I throw them out, put them on paper, she refuses to take me. I don't know why she's so angry. I really need her right now. But she made the decision to leave me, high and dry. I feel this separation is temporary. I feel we will be reunited, tonight. No matter what I have to do, she will take me back and keep me, for 8 full hours tonight. And she'll like it, too. You hear that, Sleep? I'm coming for you.

New Year's Resolutions.

It's that time of year again. The time of year when everyone asks that dreaded question: What's your New Year's resolution? Most people have the same three answers: Get in shape, quit smoking, save more money. These are all good things and we should all aspire to do them. I make the same one every year, myself. In fact I make all three of those resolutions every year. But this year I'm doing something different. Probably something harder. This year I'm making a resolution to be more faithful. Not to God, or to church, or anything like that. Though I'm sure those things will follow. But my primary goal is to be more faithful to myself, to the person God intended me to be. I went through a serious bought of depression when we first moved here, and I realized that it happened because I lost myself. I let society turn me into something I was never meant to be. I was keeping silent about things that I thought were important far too often. I had no outlet. I engaged in the hobbies I thought people wanted me to engage in. I did the things people expected me to. Let me tell you right now, this ain't how I roll. I typically do as I please. A lot of this has stopped because I am now an adult and as such have responsibilities, but somewhere I let the lines blur and stopped being me. I had no personality. I was a depressed bitchy blob. But not this year. I'm better now, and I intend to stay that way.

Putting the pieces together.

We're all held together by something. Most of us by friends, family. We're all scarred. Every person in this world has lived through something bad. Even if it wasn't something personal and awful, you've lived through something. Like 9/11. Or April 27th, 2010. Moments that hit you and make you think. Most of us live through moments were we feel shattered, but we pick up the pieces and move on. But then some of us, well some of us stand in a hospital waiting room and hear words like, "Has he always had asthma? I'm sorry, this time he just couldn't handle the attack." Some of us hear those words, and then a huge piece is chunked away. And it's just gone. We do a lot of things to try to replace it. Some of us succeed. But then some of us suffer the cruel hands of fate. Some of us have to stand in another hospital waiting room, praying for strength to deal with the news we know is coming. We know the news is not what we want to hear, but we are able to be logical and rational enough to expect it. We know to ask God to hold us up through it, instead of asking for an outcome that was long ago deemed impossible. However, when those words come, delivered with compassion, as gently as possible, we feel our whole body fall apart. The world stops moving. It may even fall out of orbit, we wouldn't notice. It could fly into the face of the sun, it wouldn't matter. God did not hear our prayers. He did not give us the strength to deal with us, because we can't. We are only capable of going through the motions. Our miracle did not come, a person we loved is now dead and buried. But then thins start to change. We start realizing that the people that are still standing beside what used to be us are slowly starting to form a glue. We don't know why, but we know it's happening. We know everyone we meet sees the holes. We know they are ugly, and no one new will ever love us again. But we meet someone new. She's different. We are sure she sees the holes in us, because they are very large and impossible to miss. But she likes us anyways, and she is our friend. One of our holes begins to shrink. She has become a piece of us, held in place by the glue our families have left behind. Then someone else comes along. And he feels the biggest hole yet. We realize now that we are almost whole again, that we're not as ugly as we were. We still have some small holes, but who doesn't? We have rough patches. We have patches of new, tender flesh that can easily be ripped open. We have scars. But we're whole now. We're a person.


And there's no "I" in this because there would be no "I" or "me" without you. My beautiful, wonderful, incredible parents, who rushed to be my side when I needed them most. The extraordinary Lindsey, who was always there to pick me up off of the floor, no matter what had put me there. The incredibly amazing Stephanie, who saw me for what I am now, not what I was then, a person, not a broken, sad mess. The most beautiful man on the planet, the one God made for me to fill the biggest empty spot. My missing puzzle piece. The place in my heart that was left open just for him, where only Ryan will fit. My family, the glue, made it possible for my friends, the pieces, to stick and make me whole again. I realized some time ago that my prayer had been answered. It took some time, granted. But it did come true. This December 27th will mark 6 years since that fateful day in Mellow Mushroom. If I could go back and change it in some way, would I? I admit I'm tempted. If I thought it would save their lives, maybe. I'll never have that chance, so it doesn't matter if I'd take it. Even if I had to live it through again, start to finish, I know now it will be okay. That everything will work out in the end. How's that old saying go? "It'll all be okay in the end. If it isn't okay, it isn't the end."
Merry Christmas, guys. I'll never be able to properly thank you. Never. But I promise to spend every day of my life trying.

Finals week.

Well friends, here we are! Finals week. So far, so good. Of course we're only one day in, so who knows from here? Also, two weeks from Sunday is Christmas. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that. This year has been such a whirlwind. It doesn't feel like Christmas. Thanksgiving didn't feel like Thanksgiving, either. I wonder if this is because I didn't go to anyone else's house. I had a great time here with my friends and family that were able to come, it just felt weird. Maybe it felt weird because I was happy and I so long ago forgot that feeling. I find myself GIGGLING now a days. And I used to love to sing. If I heard a song I liked, or even just knew the words to, I would sing it. But somewhere I had stopped doing that, too. I caught myself singing and dancing in the car the other day. It almost scares me. Like I don't deserve happy. However...I feel like I might be okay. That's so weird to me. I just want you to understand that I know what all the fighting was for and I just want you to understand that I'm not angry anymore...
This is a good place. I think I'll enjoy living here.

Hungry for more ~*SPOILERS*~

First of all, let me start by saying that if you have not read the Hunger Games: do it. Now. Second, this post will contain some spoilers so you may not want to continue reading. A friend told me about it ages ago. I thought about reading it and never got around to it. A few weeks ago, another friend suggested I read it. Again, I was intrigued by the idea but just didn't have time to read it. Then I saw the trailer. I was captivated. So I borrowed the book from a friend and began reading. Captivated barely begins to cover it. I immediately fell in love with the main character, the narrator, Katniss Everdeen. She was very much a child who had been brutally forced into an adult world. The death of her father was merely the beginning of Katniss' early adulthood. When the always cheerful Effie Trinket pulls out Primrose Everdeen's name from the reaping ball, there is only one choice for Katniss. This is merely the start of a beautiful, heart felt, heart breaking, and eerily realistic story. THIS IS WHERE THE SPOILERS START.




Okay, so everyone cries when Katniss takes her sister's place in the games. Everyone cries when Rue dies. Everyone's heart stops for a moment when she pulls out those berries. The book is riddled with moments like this. But on page 347 of Mockingjay, I became so stunned, so floored, I couldn't even turn the page. My heart stopped. And we all thought it. Everyone who had come to that point. Don't deny it. You read it, and your first thought was "Katniss failed." Because let's be honest with ourselves. She never set out to start a revolution. She never set out to fall in love with a boy, or to save his life. She stepped up, she spoke those fateful words, for one reason and one reason only. To save Prim. To keep her sister safe. To hide her for a little while longer from the evil grasp of the Capitol. And she failed, because Prim was turned into a human torch right in front of Katniss's own eyes. Everything she had set out to do had failed. This is where we all wondered: Was it worth it? Was the revolution worth it? The cost was oh so very high. But did the end make up for it in some way? I'm very curious to know your thoughts about this. And I wanna read the book. The book Katniss, Peeta, and Haymitch wrote. It would be wonderful it could be published for the general public to read.

Internship.

I got into the internship program! WOOHOO! I am SO hoping to get something here in town that will turn into a  full time job. My biggest goal would be a full time work from home job. How awesome would that be?? Unfortunately I can only do an internship over the Fall, which means I will need to attend classes for a semester longer than I had hoped. Right now my plan is to take as much as I can during the summer and see if I can finish an associate's over the Fall. If I can't, and end up with one or two classes left to take, no big deal, right? No sweat. I got this. Because I am awesome. Monday can't even hold me back. Psh. I rock Monday's socks off. Monday is scared of me. On another note, it is 16 days until my Stephie gets here, and then 17 days until my mommy gets here!!!! And just over a mere month until I get to see my Gus (or Lu Darts) again!!! I miss them all so badly. I haven't seen Stephie or Gus since JULY. That is far too long to go between visits. Far too long.

New font.

I had to make a new font because my husband was complaining, and I'm pretty sure he's the only one who actually reads this on a regular basis. :)